Right now, Steroid Nation begins the 'Suckiest Sports Blog that ever Sucked' contest in the 'Jealous of Newspaper Guys Division' (at "Why don't we get drunk and blog"). We rank a 13 seed, which means we pretty much suck. However in the early voting we narrowly trail 56-44% with only 27 votes cast.
How can we not suck? We are old, academic, and unctuous. Reading this is like listening to your father lecture you on morals. That sucks. Sucks bad. Maybe your mother comes in to throw some salt on the wounds. That would suck more, especially if you're hung-over.
Despite these inherent disadvantages, we are putting up a good fight at losing. Except we don't know if it sucks worse to win -- meaning we suck, or if we lose -- meaning we suck and we are losers.
We need some nandrolone followed by HGH just to beat the thought that either we suck, or we are losers who suck.
Really, this sucks. Every other blog should have to pee in a bottle for steroid analysis. We think Leitch at Deadspin and The Wiz over at The Wizard of Odds are big time juicers. How else do you explain the success of a University of Illinois graduate. He has to be on 'roids. And Da Wiz? We hear he carries Crewcut's snacks, so he needs to use 'roids.
If anyone can use testosterone it's us. We are that old. We are so old that if we injected steroids, we would not grow Roger Clemen's third ear; we would simply disintegrate into a heap of worthless skin dust to be kicked by Barry Bonds as he rounds third base headed for Jose Canseco's Florida party. (Oh yeah, Bonds was there: a kid has pictures of Bonds by the swimming pool) Our kidneys would fall out like something you take home to the dog from Outback Steakhouse, and our liver would puke yellow bile into our bloodstream faster than you can say "Ben Johnson's jaundiced eyeballs". We are so old that if we shot up with Winny someone could use our prostate for a basketball only lopsided with laces. (now we made ourselves sick with that image) Laces out Dan Marino.
We convinced ourselves. It's not "With Leather", it's not "Epic Carnival", it's not "Sports by Brooks", it's not "The Big Lead"...it is us. We suck. "Babes Love Baseball" may suck (tee hee), but we suck worse. All the steroids in the BALCO warehouse ain't going to change that. Get Radomski on the phone. We need some juice, and we need alot of it. Suck it up.